Goings On

I haven’t posted in ages, sorry about that. I have a lot of hobbies and things and generally I am doing those things, or in too much pain to do anything.

Which is actually kind of neat, to be honest. Except for the pain bit, which I keep meaning to sort of expand on in a post because sometimes I feel like there are THINGS to be SAID about it, but frankly I can’t figure out what those are other than “dude this sucks sometimes”. Anyway, this post is essentially “whats up with me right now”.

I’ve got an amazingly supportive boyfriend. Its really impressive. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him. I mean, I tell him a lot, and in those words, so I think he does. Again, I’ve entertained the idea of writing a post to say THINGS about this, but all I got is “this is pretty awesome”.

My new apartment came with a piano. Said piano is also in tune (!!). I think I’ve practiced piano more in the last month than in the entire time I was taking lessons. Further evidence that for me, I learn better when I lead it. I’m trying to keep up to at least doing Hanon exercise 1 in both C and G a few times, maybe #2 in C, and one of the pieces in an old book I’ve got. I’ve surprised myself that really, I’m not much worse than I was the last time I tried to play piano, so that’s interesting.

I’ve been working through some online classes via MIT OpenCourseware and Coursera. These serve not just to teach me stuff, but are helping bolster my confidence in my ability to first want to do something and then follow through and do the thing, even over a period of weeks with little external support or motivation. Also my confidence in being able to do things in general. Right now its just linear algebra (which I took, but with a professor who made no sense), and R programming. Neither of these are actually particularly new to me or are all that challenging, but are things I want a better grounding in. I’ve not had the opportunity to really do much with R, since my college classes used MATLAB or MAPLE for math scripting, and SPSS for stats analysis. I like R better than these, though that might be because its free. Linear algebra just sucked the first time around, and I’m honestly going to blame that one on having a terrible professor for it. I’ve recently talked to the guy who was my TA for Calc III at Pitt and he corroborated my impression that the guy was a genius, but he makes no sense in lecture and his tests were frequently off topic both from what actually was in his lectures and what was supposed to be taught. Of course, I was also a hormonal undergrad in a class with my then-new-boyfriend and all our friends, so that probably didn’t help. The MIT course has been blowing my mind with how much sense it makes.

I’ve also got a number of projects that are going to pull on this stuff that I’ve been brushing up on. One of them is, as simply as I can put it because it barely exists outside of some notes and drawings I’ve got in a notebook, a tool for playing with network models and simulating them in various ways. Actually there’s a couple simulation things I’ve been wanting to make.

Another project is playing with a dataset that the CDC put out that has arthritis prevalence data. Their report didn’t really answer some of the questions I wanted to ask, but they handily put out a good chunk of the data for the report. I may not be able to get exactly what I want from it, but from what I’ve seen of the data set, there are a few things that I could do with it that get closer to what I want. Its a pretty big dataset, and its got some problems- for one its survey data and I think that the survey was lacking, but like I said, I might be able to do something with it.

I’ve also been thinking about doing is putting together a website where I can put up some of these projects. I’m going to be applying to grad school soon here and I think I would benefit from a site and a github account to point to. Also one of the simulation projects I want to do is based off of an extra credit project I did in one of my first computer science classes, and since that professor is one of the only ones that might remember me from grad school,  and I remember him thinking that extra credit project of mine was pretty interesting. We also had a long chat about how one might make a knit computing algorithm on one occasion. Anyway, I think I’m going to ask him for a letter of recommendation and when I do that, I’d like to be able to point to at least that one project to jog his memory. And while the project I did for his class was interesting, there was a flaw in it that’s been bugging me ever since I noticed it (well less of a flaw as something misleading about it, making it seem more interesting than it was), which was about five minutes after leaving his office when I turned it in- so I want to go into that in more detail.

Speaking of grad school, there’s a good number of people that are trying to dissuade me of the idea, saying that its not really worth it these days, what with the current climate of academia, the stress of it all, etc. And I get where that’s coming from. But I want to do research. And last time I checked, you needed a PhD for that. And I want to deal in things with a level of complexity above what I’ve encountered so far. I want to learn, and I want it to be hard and challenging and all that. I know there’s an inordinate amount of grant writing and dealing with what your advisor wants and being broke and excruciating criticism and not having funding when you need it and not actually landing jobs that let you do what you want. I don’t care. I don’t. This is what I want to do and I think I can, damnit. I think I’ve got ideas worth testing, I’ve got the ability to do them and I would really regret not putting myself out there and letting myself try in the name of taking the safe route. I’ve taken the safe and sensible route most of my life. Its boring, it sucks, you can do everything right and still end up with a shitty disease, so fuck me, I’ve finally figured out what I want to do outside of that narrow script and basically what I hear from people is “it’s probably not worth it.”

Whatever.

I’ve also been biking to work, that’s cool and fun and now I want a better bike. The city bikes I use weigh so much I get passed by people on mountain bikes hauling a kid trailer with two kids in them.

The boyfriend, one of our friends and I took a spur of the moment trip to somewhere in northern Minnesota to try to see the Northern Lights after the recent solar flare. We didn’t get far enough north by 3 AM, so we ended up just tromping around in a rather foggy and gorgeous state park with some waterfalls and then heading back to the boyfriend’s dad’s place. The next day we did a bit of hiking with his dad, and I ended up needing to borrow a pair of shoes. It turns out I’m the same size as his mom was. If you didn’t know, his mom died about a year before I met him. I never met her, and the BF doesn’t bring her up often, but I now know she was overpronator. Its an odd thing to know.

Widget, week 9

Widget is 9 weeks ..along?old?progressed?… today. It’s lost it’s tail and while still tiny, is actually a size with identifiable human bits, including a heart with chambers – real heartbeats!

I’m balancing between elated and wanting to plan all the fun happy bits and throwing up so much it’s bordering on hazardous. I threw up water today, which is really harshing my buzz.

I am, however, surrounded by amazing people who care about me and think I’m awesome and good, which makes me so lucky I can barely contain myself most of the time. I’m sure there are people who have dealt with far worse than I do under far less forgiving conditions, but my life means that I have an incredibly forgiving work schedule and can spend a day or two a week working from home or miss meetings for illness and my coworkers and bosses simply say “How can we help?” and then *do*. I’ve had a coworker come to my house and help me dress pretty for work (pants make me throw up more, but I’m not used to wearing dresses). Another has done a rough draft for a job description so I can do the easy part of writing it – editing what someone else did wrong. My team is working along being fantastic and understanding, even though many of them haven’t been told about Widget.

I’m so, so lucky.

And hungry. And tired. But mostly lucky.

Life catches up

So I’ve spent most of the last year…or so…really goddamn depressed, and, as one does , have come out the other end of that with fewer friends than I went in, mostly because I haven’t had time or energy to keep in touch with just about anyone.

Sorry about that.

FYI guys, I sometimes read through the drafts you haven’t posted. Hope that’s okay, if not tell me so and I’ll stop. I just like knowing what’s going on with you guys, even if it didn’t get to a point of ‘finished’ enough to post.

 

Soooo I recently broke up with my boyfriend. That needed to happen, and I’m actually sort of enjoying not dating him. I still like him, he still likes me. The pirate party was last weekend, at which I usually get pretty drunk and make out with people, and I was sort of afraid that maybe things would get weird when he was making out with other people and I didn’t have dibs anymore? Or things would get weird when I would make out with other people and he wouldn’t have dibs anymore?

But none of that happened! It was delightful!

Beyond that, Thistle was in a good mood, made out with them, and we might be officially Not-Dating now. Which is…great. They’re not really in a place to be actually dating, but it’s sort of dumb for either of us to pretend we’re not important to each other, so. We’re doing a thing. It’s not dating.

Really the list of people I made out with takes two hands, and is full of attractive people I like and who like me, and really it was just a good time all around. But! Along with Thistle is a boy I met on OKC like, half a year ago, and liked, but who then fell into a thing with a monogamous lady, so that didn’t go anywhere. But! He apparently fell out of the thing with the lady and into a much more poly thing with a friend? acquaintance? of mine from this same group of friends, and he’s considerably less off limits than he was. I CAN TOUCH HIM NOW AND HES SO PRETTY IT”S SO GREAT

That might go somewhere, now. Have to hear from him, talk boundaries and such ( he’s so worried about things, it’s sort of adorable. If I liked him less it’d be pretty annoying, admittedly) and also, I might be moving out of state in a month.

Speaking of, Swords needs to get back to me on whether I’m moving out thataways. I have some other options, but either way I have some next steps I need to handle. And be able to tell this boy whether he can count on me being around beyond september.

Speaking of! Hockey is almost back, and I’m so damn excited about that.

But. A lot of the pieces of me I’ve been missing lately seem to be tentatively back, which feels damn good. Like, really, really, good. Stuff has been busy and there’s shit for me to do, but. I’m here for it.

And I’m so excited about the Widget! Keeping my fingers crossed, it’s such a happy thing.

 

Secrets and Widgets

Keeping secrets is hard. Its easier on some people than others, but it does … things … to the human psyche. We’re social critters and our connections to other people keep us stable and happy and generally operating at peak efficiency. (Which is not to say that different levels or kinds of social interaction are needed for different people. Introverts are still social animals, they just need social interaction that fits their comfort and they can still be damaged by improper or unpleasant social interaction. Just like extroverts. Its like we’re all people.)

Anyway, I don’t deal with secrets well. I enjoy the luxury of being safe in honesty in my life and I chafe when I can’t share things with people close to me.

So having one I can’t talk about for weeks, even while it continues to impact my life heavily and is superexciting is really, really difficult. I feel like there’s a wall between me and reality.

So in the semi anonymous space, which is personal enough to pretend is separate from my professional life, where we all have to pretend this isn’t true for another month (blech) I can talk about it. I’m pregnant. (Yay!) The little bit, who I have been discussing as Widget, is from all signs self assembling according to plan. Possibly a bit aggressively, given how much I’m throwing up and exhausted. (But if you take bits of me and bits of M, and give them a to-do list that is one item long, I’m not all that surprised that overachieving occurs.) In some ways, its better than the alternative, where I’d be worried about signs of problems in the build sequence (lungs and legs, kiddo, you shouldn’t have pieces left over) this way I have daily evidence that Widget is working hard.

Its still early enough that Widget could leave bits out or put something in upside down and biology would helpfully scrap this version and prep for next time. I would understand this intellectually, but I don’t think I’d handle it well emotionally. Widget is ours and real as far as my feelings go. So until we get past the really dangerous point, nominally the first 12 weeks, I’m trying to tell as few people as I can stand. I’m also trying not to slap the people who do know with every little bit of Widget news – the magic of ultrasounds have shown Widget to exist and have a nice strong heart “flutter” (not a heartbeat, because under construction) I’ve taken a boatload of blood tests, so far all of which have come back fine and healthy. I have a silly, blurry ultrasound picture that isn’t half as cool as the live stream video that actually shows tadpole-esque life. (In stills, I have to say, this phase is not terribly photogenic.)

This is complicated by the fact that it is really hard to not discuss throwing up all of the time and sleeping the rest of it. Also, my coworkers are brilliant. So I’m pretty sure this is less “hiding” things from them and more “mutually not discussing the obvious”

All of that said, I wish there was a way to discuss with Widget that as much as they may not have or grok the need to digest solid food, I do have that need. I’d like this part to let up soon so I can work and wear pants and eat food and stand up without throwing up. (All in all, I’m pretty sure we’re fine, I’m staying hydrated, I think enough vitamins are staying down, and we’re not going to starve.)

So, this is very cool, send good thoughts for Widget to self assemble well, and forgive me my 8 pm bedtime.

I’m having fun with my ukulele.

And this is one that I did for mom:

Brief Update

Hey guys, two things:

If you haven’t listened to Beyonce’s surprise Beyonce album yet, do it, listen to it all the way through in order, and if possible watch the videos like a movie. Pay attention to it, actively listen. It is seriously worth it.

 

I really do mean to update the appearance of this thing. Sometime soon.

Developmental Stages

Remind me to talk about the bear later. I have bear feels.

But first! I had a realization. I’m not actually behind yet. I may actually manage to squeak into nominal independence just before I reach the age at which I’d be really super embarrassed not to have done so. It’s a developmental milestone that I’m not actually behind on just yet! Thinking about it that way- that I may just make that milestone on time- I realized that that’s a very familiar pattern for me. That’s a pattern that traces back my entire life, to the very earliest developmental milestones parents ever worry about. Focusing on objects, batting at things, rolling over, laughing, crawling, talking- I never missed one- but my parents were terrified I would, for each one, as there was essentially no lead-up to any of them. There was no wiggling, no half-flops, no trying out of sounds- until the deadline for when I was supposed to have done whichever particular developmental milestone we were worried about this time arrived, at which point I would do it, and then be done. Deciding I was done with drinking from bottles and would be using ‘big girl’ cups…I just did, and then I was done. That’s been my learning curve my whole life, why am I suddenly surprised this pattern is holding true? That I’ve left things to the very last acceptable moment and then rapidly caught up all at once? This is normal for me.

If I’m judging myself based on my own past history, I’m not actually lagging behind on my life schedule at all. Looking at it that way, I am actually precisely on schedule for myself. This is true to pattern.

 

Okay I lied, there’s one developmental milestone I missed. Apparently at some point I was supposed to grow out of the ridiculous attachment to my teddy bear. I haven’t. At all.

The bear has been with me for 22 ( coming up on 23) years now. He’s been legal to drink for a year and a half. I was very young when I got him, and young children are not known for their ability to treat stuffed animals gently. The soles of his big floppy feet have been replaced two or three times. One of his legs has had to be sewn back on so many times I’ve lost count. His head’s had to be reattached three times, and really needs to be reinforced again, but the fabric at the joint on both his head and his neck is so old that I can’t actually sew it back to itself- where you put a needle through it, it just frays. I knit him a sweater to use as sort of a combo neck brace/skin graft, if necessary.  He’s missing roughly a third of his fur from wear (…I used the nursing calculations for percentage of body surface area burns to figure that out). He’s, uh…”well-loved”.

There was this viral video going around, where a guy had his fiancee’s childhood torn up teddy bear professionally restored, and she cried like I would have, which made me feel a little less weird about it. So I looked into doll hospitals and teddy bear restoration places, and uh. My bear is in worse shape than any of the before pictures any of them showed. For some of the shabbier looking before pictures, the ‘restoration’ process seemed to mostly involve cutting the old one apart and making a pattern from the pieces of it and making a new bear from the pattern. This was not an acceptable solution.

But in the meantime I typed into google the information on his tag, not expecting to find anything. My parents had tried to find a suitable replacement bear when he started looking like he was about to fall apart… yknow, roughly 15 years ago. So this wasn’t the first time this research had been attempted.  I’d tried again once or twice over the years and never came up with anything.

This time, there were results. There were ebay listings. For what looked like  new bears  with the same item name and number. Not well preserved 22 year old bears- new ones. The Russ Berrie Co. brought my bear back as part of their Bears from the Past series.

Obviously I bought one.

And then I started to feel weird about it. Rationally I know the bear doesn’t have a brain, he can’t be jealous of the new one. But the rational part of my brain doesn’t have much sway over the bear-related parts of my brain, so. I worried. What if it felt really creepy to have both of them around? I can’t actually get rid of the old one. I have a hard time just typing that sentence, the idea is so abhorrent.  (Of course now I’m also worried about the other ebay listings- what if they go to people who won’t love them enough?)  What if they made the fur out of something really dumb and he feels gross? They can’t have managed to find identical materials, it was TWENTY TWO YEARS AGO. What if the listing was a mistake and it’s not the right bear at all? What if I got the wrong size ( there was a ten inch version, a 13 inch version, a 15 inch version and one listing for a 16 inch version that I suspect is actually another 15 inch version, measured wrong)? What if I really can’t accept a replacement and I will just have to keep frankensteining the old one until there’s none of him left? In discussion with Swords, we decided that a soul transfer ritual would probably be necessary for peace of mind.

But then the bear arrived.

They didn’t make his fur out of anything dumb. I didn’t guess wrong. As far as I can tell, they did get identical materials. His right ear is just a little bit longer on both bears- I suspect an artifact of the manufacturing process, the direction of the sewing machine stretching the material in one direction. The beans in his body and feet are balanced right. The seams are in all the right places. To my hands, he feels like the same bear. Not like a replica- like I’m dealing with one, time traveling bear. I’ve loved this bear for 22 years, and as different as they look, by touch, I can only just tell them apart.

Time travelling bear

Time travelling bear

He’s a Russ Berrie 15″ Wadsworth teddy bear, but in my life he’s much better known as Russy. And I don’t have to give him up just yet.

…Like I said. I have bear feels.

Pain

I’m in pain today.

It makes me slow, my mind keeps losing track of where I’m going and why I would care. It makes me angry, without purpose. It makes me tired, my jaw clenched tight, only noticable when I take time and focus to check my body. Check my breathing. Deepen it, slow it down, carefully and with deliberate purpose. Relax my neck and drop my shoulders.

It helps, a little. To relax. But it takes almost everything I can think. And if I stop spending my little focus on it, all of the tension creeps back in.

It doesn’t feel like pain unless I focus. Vaguely uncomfortable unless I lean on something. Or touch something. Or sit without tilting my hips just so. I keep my face calm, more or less, just tired. Unless I stumble and my hip hits something. Then everything flashes and I have nothing. It fades fast. But I don’t worry about that.

I worry about being slow. About being out of focus. I need my focus. Its how I survive, its where I find happiness. There’s no happiness here, only dull annoyance and flashes of pain.

So many odd little corners of my soul grow from this. How much of what I do, what I demand, what I seek, is to get away from feeling like this?

Blar blar blarg

I have nothing of substance to say, the following is just some life-babble.

First off, thanks to my excellent gift giving family fit this super awesome vegetable delivery service. I really might keep paying for it myself when it’s up, it’s about the same as my weekly grocery costs, every-other-week, for about half the groceries I need, and removes a lot of my grocery store panic about not knowing what normal people eat. I don’t have to! They fill my fridge with normal people food without any input from me at all ! I mean,i can switch stuff out if they pick terrible choices, but I don’t have to. and then I just figure out what I need to be able to make stuff out of it! Which I have to do all at once on my day off, I’ve discovered, or I won’t, but having actual food around is pretty great.

Minor problems: I can’t find my cutting board, I don’t have a steamer, and I don’t have a bowl for fruit.

I graduated, that was cool. now there’s paperwork and studying, and hopefully soon, testing.

My former roommates are having another baby pretty soon here, and the first one’s turning two. I want to be excited for them but I’m mostly sort of confused and terrified and it’s got nothing to do with them and more like- holy shit they’ve got their real lives all set up, am I ever going to get mine on track and stop feeling like such a fuck up? I’m too old to still be this broken, fuck.

So there’s maybe a quarter life crisis incoming. Ben wants to go traveling.

Depression’s been sort of a bitch lately. I’m sleeping way more than I ought to be, which makes getting anything done rough, and when I’m not terrified of everything I feel like dog shit, so. I’m not keen on the idea of trying antidepressants again, but it’s on my mind.

(Shit did anyone else see that progress right there, though? )

I really liked Christmas this year, guys. I love my family so ridiculously much and we kind of suck at all being in the same place for very long but I miss you guys kind of a lot.

Anger

I say, often, that I don’t have separate lives. My husband and I work in the company, in the same industry, that struggles with many of the same issues as my hobbies. Sometimes even at the same time, which means I will end up in cycles where I truly cannot get away from a thing.

Sometimes that gives me the opportunity to think about an issue from a few different perspectives.

Right now it is the confluence of the NSA-RSA relationship fallout and the Socci Olympic Games and the Ravhellenic Games moderators.

NSA-RSA

The NSA has done some Very Bad Things. To anyone who has been paying attention, they aren’t shocking, though they do elicit an ongoing feeling of horrified betrayal. They haven’t betrayed their mission, and they are using the tools available to them (including most of the world’s cryptographers) but as a collection of people they have fallen down the rabbit hole where they may be (and in many minds, possibly including mine, totally are) burning the village to save it as they vacuum up data on everyone and save it for later in case someone in that haystack decides to maybe commit a crime later. (So we can prosecute them for stuff we didn’t catch them at before…or something TERRORISM!)

RSA, a group previously trusted to not be a governmental bootlicker, has been revealed to have taken money (a lot of it) to recommend products as secure that may be only sort of secure, against parties who weren’t the NSA. There is a vast difference between “This is Secure” and “We know some people who can break in and hope it isn’t anyone else”.

RSA didn’t disclose this relationship. They betrayed those who trust them to endorse, and basically represent, security in the world. Not NSA brand security, not corporate security, but security as a goal, with some amount of purity and rigor. They run the largest above board security conference, among other things.

And now a lot of individuals in the industry are feeling hurt and betrayed. And are choosing to remove their support of RSAthe RSA conference, RSA products. Basically, shunning. Because they are angry.

Sochi Olympics

Russia is hosting an Olympic Games. Russia also has passed some laws that make it look like their social policy branch was taken over by Westboro Baptist. (I really like President Obama’s response. “No, I’m not showing up for your BS. You get Billie Jean King.” Enjoy the US being represented by a gay activist athlete.)

The Ravelry community holds a celebration of the Olympics – you may recall last Olympics’ dust up over the name of said celebration. A bunch of knitters/crocheters/weavers get together, watch the games, and challenge themselves to do something amazing for the duration. Last time out I made a huge color shifting shawl. 17 days, and it covers most of a queen sized bed.

The moderators of the Rav Games forum have attempted to avoid getting gay people politics in their knitting by declaring that the Rav Games could not have any political messages. The policy of “no rainbows in projects or avatars” was felled quickly after protest but the replacement has been silencing of people without explanation and the kind of flailing and sputtering that one gets used to if you hang out in the places where people from different cultures/spaces come together and then hurt each other and then don’t know how to handle it.

On one hand there are people (me included) who feel that Russia’s laws about homosexuality are an affront to humanity. They try to deny individuals the ability to be themselves, to express their individuality and their humanity. (the one time I tried to change who I was my brain broke, it was not pretty) On the other hand there are people who are maybe a titch homophobic (or a lot) or really don’t get what all the screaming is about. (Attacks on identity that you don’t feel can be difficult to wrap your brain around. Which is why I suggest using your heart. If you don’t understand why someone is hurt, try starting from understanding that they are hurt and then figure out if you can help make it stop. Really, easing suffering in the world is usually a pretty good goal. – Need blog post on acting around blind spots.)

Both of these hands knit/crochet/weave and want to support the Olympic ideals.

The second hands tried to get the first hands to go away about it. The first hands are really angry. Some people who weren’t really on either hand got really angry about Rav, which usually does an awesome job of being inclusive and supportive and caring (where else can you upload a picture of your failed attempt at a sock and have everyone’s master knitter grandma and the coolest new designer help you fix it or explain that it is a valid design choice in Iceland?)

Anger.

Both of these situations have people who are passionate about the topic and who are rightly and righteously angry. I’ve said before that I find “I am angry” to be a deeply feminist statement (for the brand of equality for all social justice stuff that I call feminism. I may need better words, but that’s the label in my brain and I don’t have a better option right now.)

Anger is awesome. It is powerful and burning, lighting up wrongs and indignities and can be a step in healing trauma. It is a power against depression, it drives toward action, toward solution, toward never accepting this terrible thing again. It feels intoxicating, this freedom to declare something that has hurt you, that has betrayed you, to be angry at a wrong means you no longer accept it, you are not claimed by it on its terms. The freedom, the ability to feel angry and know that you are angry and to express to others that you are angry is important.

If you haven’t had much space to be angry before you may not know how to handle it. Some people never get control of their anger. There’s a reason The Incredible Hulk is portrayed with a high level of destruction. I have good days and bad days. Controlling anger takes practice. Many issues, and these in particular, are in spaces where people are surprised by their anger, and are not accustomed to feeling angry and then are surprised when other people are angry against them. (Or angry in a direction against the direction they are angry in.) The same clarity that anger gives means that for many people, you only see one good choice of how to act on your anger… and it may not be the same choice that your friend sees, even if they are angry about the same thing.

Good anger gives you strength to redress wrongs and focus. Own it, have it, give other people to the space to be angry about big things that have hurt them or others. And then use it.

Where many of the people close to me, industry or personally or philosophically, have been suffering is when anger is directed at individuals instead of at actions/choices or large problems which are actually the cause and when anger directed choices are deemed inappropriate by people they thought they agreed with. There is a world of difference between “You did something that hurt me” and “You’re an asshole!” that can be difficult to express when angry, and difficult to accept from someone who is angry.

Choices about principle, about anger, are often complicated. Do you walk away from a space that has betrayed you or do you go and fight to get it back to being what you thought it was? And can both of those choices be valid and respectable? (hint: yes) When and how you take on a discussion in a space that you are angry with is another deeply personal question of energy, of purpose, of ability and desire to use anger.

We all need to be able and willing to express anger and have our anger be accepted as reasonable. We all need to be willing to figure out what is actually making us angry and direct our anger at it, trying to minimize collateral damage. We need to be doing these things for ourselves and working to forgive and listen to anger that is expressed without that focus.

For me – I’m angry, and going to RSA. I’m angry, and may not be knitting during the Olympics. (Or not Olympic knitting anyway) Personal choices, public anger.