Widget Week 38

I really can’t blame the kid for this. I really can’t, but it would be nice if Widget decided to join the outside world, because I feel like I’m dying. Like I’m losing my self and all hope of ever being myself again. I’m always pretty emotional – or emotion/intuition driven? But these days I’m just fragile, mentally and emotionally and physically, and all of my usual coping mechanisms have been stripped away.

The gabapentin, even at max dose, wasn’t enough to let me sleep. Or walk.

Angel and I asked my OB to petition the hospital for an induction before 39 weeks. Excruciating pain isn’t an appropriate medical reason for that. Petition denied. And that was when I lost hope and just bawled for about a day. I hate suffering. I hate when I have no options, no choices, just pain. Its horrible. It is really soul killing.

I gave up. Angel didn’t. He went back to go a few rounds with the doc and ended up with a bottle of dilaudid to get me through the weekend, with more available on Monday if I needed it.

It does help. I’m getting sleep. It still hurts to walk, but I’m doing more of that as well. If you define “more” as making it downstairs once a day.

A friend of mine came and spent some time with me and commented that my life sucked. I had to correct her, my life is amazing – Angel, Widget, Cups, all of my friends, my job, I have so much support and a really great life. These particular days are really rough, but the fundementals of how my life is put together is pretty awesome. I have social support with a strength beyond my actual understanding. I have friends who are coming to keep me company and do laundry and take care of me so Angel can get some time off. I am getting to laugh way more than one would expect. I have internet friends and community who have been able to find things to make me smile when I can’t sleep at 2am due to pain.

There is a seriously rough road I’m standing in, and I didn’t want to be here, but I have a great life.  Now I just have to stay sane ish and survive this bit.

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