Widget, Week 35

Ths entire pregnancy has been an excersize in not getting what I want. I wanted to write cute happy updates, bit by bit, about the Widgetry process. I wanted to work hard and have a nice glowy pregnancy and be one of those fun, happy, gracious pregnant people, with a cute belly.

Instead, I got hyperemesis, and I got the form that sticks with you for the entire pregnancy. I threw up so much I lost 20 pounds in the first trimester. Mostly I worked on staying out of the hospital, and several days in there it was really close.

Second trimester was … okay… I guess, in comparison to the rest of this. Second trimester had a lot of medical testing, because the first ultrasound to test for Downs came back with elevated risk – that test is notoriously high in false positives, but it was scary none the less. We went through a couple of rounds of genetic testing (first came back inconclusive, second came back clear of chormosomal issues for everything they could look at) But that first test… that first test, the known shitty one, set us up for So Much Testing. Even knowing it was a false positive we’ve had trips to the children’s hospital to see if Widget’s heart was okay, monthly high res ultrasounds – complete with premature labor scare when my cervix looked funny and that meant going in every two weeks for a while, and now at the end we’re being asked to do weekly NSTs … all because of that first stupid scare.

Widget is healthy. All the blood runs the right way. Widget moves more reliably than the T. They have a heartbeat you could set a watch to. Widget is fine.

The third trimester brought abosolute agony due to my joints having a complete meltdown. And still throwing up. I broke down and asked what I could take for pain from my old pain control regimine. Just at night, because the drug makes me mentally slow. Then around the clock because I couldn’t function in that much pain. And now I’m almost at the max dosage and when I forgot a dose this week I spent the next day in bed, weeping constantly until I had been back on track for a day.

I’ve spent this pregnancy scared, stressed, and in pain. And through it all my friends and coworkers have been *AMAZING*. I know I’m tired of hearing me whine after ten months of it, I cannot imagine why anyone else is still putting up with me. But they are.

And because I’ve been so out of it, my world has deteriorated. All the cute things I wanted to do to prepare the house and the world for Widget? I’ve had to seriously downgrade my expectations. The nursery is not done (its got the bare nesessities, but theres trim to be painted and cleaning/stocking/organizing to do) I gave up on knitting more than one blanket and one little sweater. (and then the joints in my fingers fell apart to where I can’t knit.)

And in the end, it doesn’t matter. Widget will be here and know they are loved by all of the big people. And that will be all I wanted from this.

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